


Groupchat Dumbassery

by Earl_of_Dumbassery



Series: DDCU (deh dumbassery cinematic universe) [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz, Be More Chill - Ned Vizinni, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crossover, Everybody Lives, F/F, M/M, Michael is a Little Shit, Texting, everybody is straightn’t I don't make the rules, groupchat au, overuse of the words yeeh yea and yee, text au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-01-29 03:28:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21403435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Earl_of_Dumbassery/pseuds/Earl_of_Dumbassery
Summary: Jaredyonce: By the way we should rename this convo the lgbtqs and Connor since we're all gay except ConnorOne(1)van: Connor is straightn’tJaredyonce: asgdkfjJaredyonce: How do you know?One(1)van: We've been dating for two monthsJaredyonce: Wait WHATOne(1)van: You didn't know?Conman: can you believeA llama: can you believeZozo the clown: can you believeOne(1)van has sent canyoubelieve.pngOr groupchat crossover au where everbody lives and are (almost) happy, the BMC comes in the later chapters
Relationships: Alana Beck/Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski, Jared Kleinman/Male OC, Jeremy Heere/Michael Mell
Series: DDCU (deh dumbassery cinematic universe) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1543012
Comments: 19
Kudos: 146





	1. The Clownery Begins

16:04

Zozo the clown has added One(1)van, Jaredyonce, A llama & Conman

Zozo the clown has changed the group name to Drama Llama

Zozo the clown: Alright I've had enough of this drama so I'm making s group chat where nobody can throw hands while talking about their feelings

Conman: groundbreaking

Zozo the clown: Ikr

Zozo the clown: Anyway I've had enough of this at school so start talking about your feelings

Conman: fine

Conman: I'm still kinda mad at Jared because of how he acted towards Evan at the beginning of the year

Conman: I know you guys made up but Evan forgives too easily for his own good and while I'm not trying to do the whole thing where I decide what's best for someone else I also know that there's some stuff that hasn't been adressed

Zozo the clown: Good

Zozo the clown: Now your turn Jared

Jaredyonce: Urgh fine

Jaredyonce: I'm salty that Evan is spending so much time with Connor

Jaredyonce: I've been trying to get Evan to hang out with me for the last two weeks but everytime he says he's already hanging out with Connor

One(1)van: You could have told me, I would have made time for you

Jaredyonce: it's fine, I was kind of overreacting

One(1)van: It's fine, and we can hang out

Jaredyonce: okay

Zozo the clown: good now the drama is over

A llama: Not that I mind all of this but why am I here?

Zozo the clown: Because I wanted you to feel included

A llama: Aww thanks ^^

Zozo the clown: No prob ^^

Jaredyonce: Inch Resting

Jaredyonce: By the way we should rename this convo the lgbtqs and Connor since we're all gay except Connor

One(1)van: Connor is straightn’t

Jaredyonce: asgdkfj

Jaredyonce: How do you know?

One(1)van: We've been dating for two months

Jaredyonce: Wait WHAT

One(1)van: You didn't know?

Conman: can you believe 

A llama: can you believe

Zozo the clown: can you believe

One(1)van has sent canyoubelieve.png

Jaredyonce: Alright alright I get it

Zozo the clown: How could you not know? Evan literally sat on Connor's lap at lunch yesterday.

Jaredyonce: I just though he was tired and sat on Connor instead of the seat

A llama: What about a week ago when Evan kissed Connor?

Jaredyonce: Connor said no homo

Zozo the clown: askfjgjrhdk

Conman: I was joking

Jaredyonce: And how was Eye supposed to know that???

Conman: Common sense, people don't just shove their tongues down each other's throats for laughs n giggles

Jaredyonce: by the way what's up with everyone's names? I can guess who is who but I can't understand why.

One(1)van: Evan > A van > one van

Conman: Connor > Conman

A llama: Alana > A lana > A llama

Conman: what about you?

Jaredyonce: that one avatar the last yonce video

Conman: fair enough

Jaredyonce: Eye can't help but notice that someone hasn't explained theirs *eyes emoji

Conman: did you just say eyes emoji

Jaredyonce: no I just texted eyes emoji

A llama: wait is this because of that thing from two weeks ago

Zozo the clown: ...

Zozo the clown: yes

A llama: Aww babe

Jaredyonce: what thing from two weeks ago?

Jaredyonce: wait

Jaredyonce: asjfkghslribrld BABE?

Jaredyonce: You two are Dating?

Conman: Can you believe?

Jaredyonce: don't start again

Jaredyonce: how long

A llama: two weeks

Jaredyonce: TWO WEEKS?

Jaredyonce: I've been the fifth wheel for two weeks and no one told me?

Conman: yah

One(1)van: basically

A llama: indeed

Zozo the clown: if you wanna put it that way

Jaredyonce: urrghhhh

Jaredyonce: going back to that thing from two weeks ago

Zozo the clown: DAMN IT

A llama: I tried to distract him

Zozo the clown: I know bb

Jaredyonce: Sooo

Jaredyonce: what happened

Zozo the clown: urghhh

Jaredyonce: that's my line

Zozo the clown: whatever you say

A llama: So a two weeks ago i asked Zoe out on a date

Zozo the clown: betrayal

Conman: he'd get you to tell somehow

Zozo the clown: urgh fine continue

A llama: Everything was going great, that is, until the end of the date

Jaredyonce: ooh drama

A llama: At the end of the date I leaned in to kiss her

Jaredyonce: and?

A llama: And she said 'wait, this is date???'

Jaredyonce: asfjdlhd

One(1)van has sent I_have_to_laugh.png

Zozo the clown: EVaN

Zozo the clown: I thought you were on my side!

One(1)van: I am

One(1)van: usually

Jaredyonce: Zoe I thought you said you went to Sephora to get your make up?

Zozo the clown: ??? I do

Jaredyonce: oh Really?

Jaredyonce: I didn't know they sold clown make up there

Zozo the clown: I will end you 

Jaredyonce: K

Conman: decimated

Zozo the clown: urgggh

Jaredyonce: once again stealing my patented brand I see

Zozo the clown: Why must I suffer?

Conman: the clown life chose you, not the other way around

One(1)van: ashdlfbf

A llama: It's alright babe

Zozo the clown: :,)

Jaredyonce: babe

Zozo the clown: >:0

Conman: anyways, do you guys still wanna go see that movie tomorrow or what? 

A llama: Yeah sure

One(1)van: YES, I've been waiting for forever

Zozo the clown: Why not, it might help me forget the humiliation I endured today

Jaredyonce: sure, what's it called again?

Conman: The Farewell, Evan's been raving about it for months

One(1)van: It looks really good 

Zozo the clown: We can meet in the parking lot tomorrow afternoon and I'll drive us there since Connor still isn't allowed to drive the car

Zozo the clown: At least not since

Zozo the clown: The Incident

A llama: Wait I don't know about this story

Jaredyonce: me neither

Zozo the clown: I was there when he got grilled by our parents for it so I know most of the story

One(1)van: I was there for it

Zozo the clown: Wait ACTUALLY?

Zozo the clown: maybe I don't know this story after all

Conman: Evan don't

Conman: please I beg of you

Zozo the clown: It's Murphies exposing hours and you're next

Conman: I hate you

Zozo the clown: K

Jaredyonce: decimated

Conman: fine, but I get to the story because even though he was there Evan doesn't know the whole context of the story

Jaredyonce: this is gonna be good

Zozo the clown: Hold on I'm grabbing my popcorn 

A llama: As the youths like to say, the tea is quaking

Jaredyonce: I'm dying scoob

Zozo the clown: good

Jaredyonce: wow you didn't even properly capitalize that

Zozo the clown: So?

Conman: shut up I'm telling the story now

Zozo the clown: Oh ok!

Conman: So I was driving Evan home like the good boyfriend I am with the old car

Conman: it should be noted that we had only been dating for three weeks so I was still trying to impress him

One(1)van: He's given up, we both know we live like this

Conman: indeed we're both trainwrecks, so I'm driving him home when suddenly my dad calls

Jaredyonce: uh oh sisters

Conman: Stop

Conman: So apparently his care got towed because he forgot that from November to April he can't park in the street from 8 in the morning to 4 in the afternoon

Conman: so me being the person who was driving the car was tasked with the grueling task of picking up my dad and driving him home

Jaredyonce: sometimes I forget ur an english major to be but the u use words like grueling and suddenly I remember

Conman: the trip to my dad was pretty boring

Conman: we went to pick him up and that was fine too

Conman: but then he started talking to Evan

A llama: Uh oh

Conman: Uh oh indeed

Conman: u see my dad had this weird thing going on with Evan

Jaredyonce: KiNkY

One(1)van: Not like that

Conman: more like he saw the opportunity for Evan to be the son he never had but also always wanted

Jaredyonce: aren't you his son though?

Conman: the one he wanted

Jaredyonce: oooooh

Jaredyonce: that's rough buddy

Conman: yeeh

Conman: anyway so he's been doing this weird projecting thing onto Evan like all the disney movie dads do before the main character says that it's your dream dad, not mine

Conman: then he starts asking Evan if he's dating anyone

Zozo the clown: I feel a storm coming

Conman: then he suggests that Evan ask Zoe out

Zozo the clown: I was right

Jaredyonce: *barf emoji

Conman: barf emoji indeed

Conman: now I want you to imagine this

Conman: you're in a car eith your dad who just suggested your boyfriend go out with your sister

Conman: bohemian rhapsody is playing loudly because your phone is plugged into the car

Conman: what do you do?

Jaredyonce: kiss your boyfriend?

Conman: ...

Zozo the clown: no

Zozo the clown: oh my god you did not

Conman: so I kissed Evan right in front of my dad

Jaredyonce: wow

Conman: then I crashed the car into a tree because I wasn't watching the road

Jaredyonce: WOW!

Conman: anyway so then dad got mad that I destroyed the car and his dream of having a surrogate straight son

Conman: and that's the story of how I lost the car

Zozo the clown: Maybe we can find him another straight that's actually straight this time so that he can do his weird thing and not be mad at you anymore?

Conman: that's a great idea and all but there's one problem

Zozo the clown: What?

Conman: we don't know any straight people

Zozo the clown: Shit u rite

Jaredyonce: you really are a clown

Zozo the clown: you really are a clown

One(1)van: maybe we can substitute a straight for gay that's really straight

Jaredyonce: that's dumb

Conman: no wait I think Evan's onto something

Zozo the clown: Who's the straightest person we know?

A llama: Jared

Jaredyonce: wow

Jaredyonce: betrayed

A llama: What it's the truth.

Zozo the clown: You just have obnoxious energy that gets misinterpreted as straight energy

Conman: big straight energy

Jaredyonce: wow I can't believe this

Jaredyonce: I've been disowned by all the gays

A llama: It was only a matter of time before it happened

Jaredyonce: why are you hitting me when I'm already down

Zozo the clown: Cause you're an easy target

Jaredyonce: oof

One(1)van: Connor are you really sure you want Jared to be the surrogate Murphy?

Conman: Idk why?

One(1)van: Well if he gets adopted that means he'll live with you

Conman: oh no

One(1)van: That means spending all your time, 24/7 with Jared Kleinman Murphy

Conman: Oh No

Zozo the clown: Jared Kleinman Murphy?

Zozo the clown: Cursed

Zozo the clown: Wait 

Zozo the clown: Going back to 'the incident'

Zozo the clown: Is this why dad said you were a lipsmacking hooligan?

A llama: Hooligan? Even I wouldn't say that word

Conman: ...

Conman: blocked

Zozo the clown: k

A llama: Y'all better start doing your homework, this might have been an eventfull afternoon but I know some of you still have work to do

A llama: cough cough Jared cough cough Connor

Jaredyonce: what about Evan? He's not as innocent as he looks

A llama: Evan is too stressed not to do his homework

One(1)van: It's the truth but you don't have to expose me like this

Jaredyonce: fine I'll go do it

Jaredyonce: but I won't be happy about it

Zozo the clown: see you guys tomorrow I guess


	2. Mexican Restaurants Are Good

17:15

Conman: that shit

Conman: HURTED

Jaredyonce: oof

Zozo the clown: oof is an understatement

Jaredyonce: Evan why did you choose this movie to watch and not all the other mindless drabbles we could have gone to see?

One(1)van: I wanted to see it

Conman: that's fair it was a good movie

Conman: also @Zozo the clown where's your girlfriend?

Zozo the clown: She had a tight schedule today so after the movie she had to run to get back to school to throw the afterschool marathon

Jaredyonce: wait she's the one who is organizing that?

Jaredyonce: is she gonna run?

Zozo the clown: No she hates running.

Zozo the clown: she's just gonna like

Zozo the clown: tell people what to do and where to go

Jaredyonce: oh ok

Jaredyonce: that seems more like her style anyway

One(1)van: Maybe we could go back and encourage her?

Zozo the clown: Good idea!!!

Conman: sure

Jaredyonce: I'm down for that, I've got nothing better to do anyways

Zozo the clown: Then it has been decided

Zozo the clown: We shall go support my gf (pronounced guyeff)

Conman: cursed

Jaredyonce: extremely

Zozo the clown: Meet up at school in 20?

Conman: sure

Zozo the clown: see you there

21:08

A llama: Thanks for coming

A llama: All of you

A llama: It means alot 

Conman: thanks for getting us free food

Zozo the clown: Thanks for being the best

A llama: Stop you're making me blush

One(1)van: You guys are cute

Jaredyonce: and probably the most functionnal out of all of us

Conman: tru

One(1)van: tru

Jaredyonce: tru

Conman: why are you sating tru to your own statement

Jaredyonce: cause that's how tru it is

Conman: fair enough

Zozo the clown: Evan has his life semi-together

One(1)van: I don't

Conman: No he does not

Jaredyonce: even I know he doesn't

Zozo the clown: I need proof

Conman: today we went to Starbucks before school

One(1)van: You're really gonna expose me like this huh

Conman: I love you

Conman: but yes

Conman: so me and Evan are there and Evan gets a bagel

Jaredyonce: and?

Conman: and then he drops it on the floot

Jaredyonce: rip

Conman: then he just stares at it for like five minutes

Conman: I'm kinda freaked out that Evan hasn't moved

Conman: the barista is kinda freaked out that Evan isn't doing anything

Conman: then Evan finally starts moving

Conman: he lays down next to the bagel and starts crying

Conman: he doesn't stop for like ten minutes

A llama: is this why you were late to chemistry class?

One(1)van: yes

Conman: after ten minutes the barista offers him a free bagel and then we drive to school

Conman: the whole ride we were both silent

Zozo the clown: Are you like, okay?

One(1)van: I'm seeing a psychologist

One(1): So hopefully one day

Zozo the clown: If you ever beed to vent I'm here

One(1)van: Thanks

A llama: Y'all should go to sleep

Jaredyonce: Did you just say y'all?

A llama: No I just texted it

Jaredyonce: Stop!Stealing!My!Brand!

Conman: no

Jaredyonce: I'm calling my lawyers

Conman: you're too broke to afford one

Jaredyonce: not if I have a family connection

Jaredyonce: someone willing to do it for free

One(1)van: No one in your family or mine is a lawyer

Jaredyonce: if only there was somebody with a strong connection to me

Jaredyonce: someone who considers me part of the family

Jaredyonce: almost like a

Jaredyonce: a son

Conman: no

Zozo the clown: oh my god

A llama: What?

Conman: how could we have let this happen?

Zozo the clown: I'm a clown

Conman: no I'm a clown

Zozo the clown: we're clowns

Conman: And we Introduced him tonight

Zozo the clown: shit you're right

A llama: What's going on?

Zozo the clown: We've been fooled babe

A llama: By Jared

Conman: yes

A llama: How?

Conman: Larry

A llama: Your dad?

Zozo the clown: We introduced him to Jared tonight and like a feral bee to a straight passing flower he flew to Jared

A llama: So your dad likes Jared? What about it?

Zozo the clown: Our dad's a lawyer

A llama: Fuck

Jaredyonce: screenshot this historical moment of Alana saying fuck

Jaredyonce: Also I have all of you under my thumb and am now the master of the universe

One(1)van: You've been watching that one anime again

One(1)van: Haven't you

Jaredyonce: maybe

One(1)van: I'm disappointed

One(1)van: and going to sleep

Conman: night

One(1)van: night

10:39

Jaredyonce: I'm bored

Conman: and?

Jaredyonce: and entertain me

Conman: I'm still feeling betrayed tm

Jaredyonce: I just made myself get adopted?

Conman: alright I guess it's not that big of a deal

Zozo the clown: You guys bored too?

Conman: yup

Jaredyonce: yuh

Zozo the clown: Figures

Jaredyonce: the three Murphy subblings, united in their boredom

Conman: cursed

Zozo the clown: I almost projectile vomited in class

Jaredyonce: that's fair

Conman: maybe we could play a game

Jaredyonce: what kind of game?

Conman: mayhem

Jaredyonce: what's mayhem?

Zozo the clown: Connor no

Conman: Connor yes

Jaredyonce: explain

Zozo the clown: When me and Connor were little we'd play this game called mayhem where the person who caused the most mayhem and got put on time out won

Conman: our parents used to get so mad when we'd play

Zozo the clown: We really were devil children

Conman: indeed sister O'mine

Jaredyonce: so what are the rules?

Conman: you have to be the first one getting put in time out or something after causing mayhem

Zozo the clown: basically

Jaredyonce: when do we start?

12:13 Family Groupchat

LarryM: Connor

Larry: What did you do

Conman: why do you assume I'm the one who did something?

LarryM: Because your school called saying you were so disruptive in class that the teacher had to send you to the principal's office

Conman: Zoe was sent there too

LarryM: Don't tell me you played mayhem

Zozo the clown: We played mayhem with Jared

LarryM: You involved Jared in your shenanigans?

LarryM: He's a fine young man why would you get him in trouble

Conman: you can't see it but me and Zoe just burst out laughing 

LarryM: Connor tske this seriously

Conman: don't worry, Jared isn't here he didn't manage to get sent to the principal

LarryM: good

CynthiaM: Are you in trouble?

Zozo the clown: No mom

Conman: The principal just gave us a warning

CynthiaM: Ok, don't do it again 

CynthiaM: Please

Conman: Alright

Zozo the clown: Alright

CynthiaM: See you tonight, I'm making the vegan gluten free lasagna

Conman: great

12:45 Drama Llama Groupchat

Jaredyonce: I didn't manage to do it

Conman: weak

Zozo the clown: Pathetic

Jaredyonce: Stop Bulling Me

A llama: What happened?

Conman: scroll up

A llama: I'm not mad I'm just disappointed

Zozo the clown: Baaaabe

A llama: Do your homework tonight and I'll forgive

Conman: what about me?

A llama: I know you won't do it so at least pretend to do it

Conman: wow

Conman: you just roasted me like a rôtisserie chicken

One(1)van: Is the ô for the French accent?

Conman: yes

Jaredyonce: where do you guys wanna go eat?

A llama: How about that Mexican place down the street?

One(1)van: I could go for that

Jaredyonce: me too

Conman: same

A llama: Zoe, what do you think?

Zozo the clown: I can't exactly leave school

Conman: it's not like they actually check

Conman: humans are like bees, if you act like you belong then you belong

Conman: plus you kinda look like a senior 

A llama: I'm usually a stickler for rules but this one is dumb so I'm gonna encourage you to do it

Zozo the clown: Alright then let's go

It only takes them ten minutes to get to the restaurant. It's big but not too busy as it is a school day and this neighborhood doesn't have many people out and about during the day. Most of the adults work in another part of the town so really there is almost nobody around.

The waiter directs them towards their table and gives them menus before going to attend to another table.

"What are you guys getting?" Asks Connor

"Probably the Mexican flag enchiladas." Says Alana

"No wait don't tell him what you're getting" warns Zoe

"Why not?" Asks Alana

"Cause then he'll order less and steal your food."

"It true." Chimes in Evan "Whenever we go out if thinks he'll like what I order he just orders less and eats half of my plate."

"Stop exposing me." Says Connor mock dramatically

"How does it feel to be betrayed?" Asks Jared

"Not so fun, I don't feel so good."

"Guess you're gonna have to order for yourself fo once." Says Zoe 

"Urghhh, fine."

In the end Connor end up ordering the spinach goat cheese empanadas. When they get their food Connor does, in fact, try everybody's meal. No one is surprised by this. Eventually, lunch time is almost up and the gang decides to head back, well most of the gang.

"You're really going to Starbucks?" Asks Zoe

"What can I say, I'm a slut for pumpkin spice lattes." Says Connor

"Alright, but be back before class starts or I'm not driving you back."

"We'll try." Says Connor

""See you after school." Says Evan

"Or not." Says Zoe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!!! Hope you guys liked it, I should have the next chapter up by like the end of next week or a bit after


	3. Chapter 3

13:57

Conman: Wow

Conman: THAT happened

One(1)van: Can you believe?

Zozo the clown: You guys were gone for like twenty minutes what happened?

Conman: something amazing

One(1)van: And we weren't late so guess you'll have to drive us after school

Zozo the clown: Yeah sure, but what happened?

Conman: so we get to Starbucks right and there's like maybe four people in the whole store excluding the barista

Conman: and there's this couple at the counter where you get your drinks

Conman: you can tell that they're a couple

Conman: you can also tell that they're fighting

Jaredyonce: ooooh dramaaa

Conman: so then the guy says something and the girl gets really angry

Conman: and she screams 'how could you cheat on me!'

A llama: wowie

Conman: 'With my BRoTheR!'

A llama: WOWIE!

Jaredyonce: and that brother?

Jaredyonce: grew up to be Albert Einstein

Zozo the clown: Can you believe?

Conman: shut up I'm telling a story

Zozo the clown: ok

Jaredyonce: aight

Conman: so then the girl somehow gets even more angry

Conman: and she pushes the guy hard

Conman: so hard in fact that he stumbles back into the barista space

A llama: B-barista space?

Conman: the space behind the counter where the baristas work

A llama: aaaah

One(1)van: Meanwhile Connor is just asking for a black coffee while the baristas are trying to deal with all that

One(1)van: It was kinda like that one video where the two McDonald's employees are fighting and the person just keeps asking for something

Conman: so later on we finally get our drinks but we also realize what time it is

Conman: so we ran all the way back in only five minutes

A llama: wow that's an impressive feat

Conman: thank you

Jaredyonce: u should become a storytime youtuber

Conman: what

Zozo the clown: Actually yeah, you always get into crazy shit, you should totally get a channel

Conman: ?

One(1)van: You could get famous

Conman: I will keep it in mind if being an English major doesn't work out

Jaredyonce: Connor in five years: He fucked me! With a toothbrush!

Conman: stop

Zozo the clown: Would it be Evan that did it?

A llama: I assume so

Jaredyonce: Evan why you do that to my boy Connor?

One(1)van: I have no idea of what's going on

Conman: don't listen to them

Conman: please

One(1)van: Alright

Conman: don't corrupt my boyfriend with tana mongoose challenge

Jaredyonce: failed 

Jaredyonce: I sent him a link to it

Conman: JARED

One(1)van: I'm not watching that

Jaredyonce: foiled once again

Conman: it's what you deserve

Jaredyonce: Stop BULLIng Me!

Conman: no wow alright

15:45

Zozo the clown: @Conman @One(1)van

Zozo the clown: Where are you guys?

Zozo the clown: If you don't get here in the next five minutes I'm leaving

Zozo the clown: What are you guys even doing 

Jaredyonce: they're probably hecking

Zozo the clown: In school?

One(1)van: ...

Zozo the clown: no

Zozo the clown: In SCHOOL?

Jaredyonce: In school!

A llama: That's not very hygenic

Conman: we weren't

Conman: "hecking"

Conman: we were just making out

Zozo the clown: Oh ok

Zozo the clown: You still only have five minutes left before I leave you at the curb

Conman: omw

Jaredyonce: I still think they were hecking

22:42

Conman: I'm bored

Jaredyonce: same

Conman: not valid

Jaredyonce: that's fair

One(1)van: Please go to sleep

One(1)van: You need sleep to function

Jaredyonce: yet you're awake?

Jaredyonce: *thinking emoji*

Jaredyonce: anxiety

Conman: that's fair

A llama: Please go to sleep

A llama: Your messages keep popping up in my notifications and making my phone vibrate

Conman: you don't have your phone on silent?

A llama: No, otherwise I would miss some important notifications

Jaredyonce: from whomst?

A llama: oh you know

A llama: my parents

Jaredyonce: suspicious

Private message Conman to A llama

Conman: your parents?

A llama: uuurgh 

A llama: shut up

A llama: I'm bad at coming up with a lie on the spot

Conman: I can tell

A llama: It's not my fault I want to surprise Zoe via a scolarship trip to Hawaii in like four months

Conman: actually

A llama: uuuurgh

A llama: Why did I decide to tell you about this again?

Conman: because I'm the one who got to convince our parents to let you take away my dear sister to your trip instead of our family trip

A llama: Oh yeah

A llama: I forgot about that

Conman: it's not like you to forget entire conversations

A llama: well...

A llama: I've been busy lately 

A llama: My mind's trying to keep track of everything at the same time

Conman: alright

Conman: just try not to get a burn out

A llama: I know, I don't wanna stress your sister

Conman: actually

Conman: I was gonna say That I cared about you more than the stupid trip

Conman: and that I'd rather you be happy than you be running yourself ragged trying to make others happy

Conman: you're like

Conman: my best friend and I want you to be happy 

A llama: thanks

Conman: no problem

Conman: I'll talk to you later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not posting this weekend, I forgot


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iss crismas & stuff

00:01

Jaredyonce: the snow season is upon us!!!

One(1)van: Jared go to sleep

Jaredyonce: No!

Jaredyonce: Tis December First and in This Household We Stan and Respect Satan Claus

Jaredyonce: Tis the Season for Jolly Holiday Spirit

Jaredyonce: Understood?

Jaredyonce: Ev

Jaredyonce: Ev

Jaredyonce: Evan

Jaredyonce: A van

Jaredyonce: @One(1)van

Jaredyonce: urgh fine I'll go to sleep

Jaredyonce: but once I wake up again at exactly seven fifty five

Jaredyonce: it's over for all y'all

08:00

Jaredyonce: WAKE UP SLEEEPY HEAD

Zozo the clown: Is there a reason you're yelling?

Jaredyonce: iss krisim

Jaredyonce: merry chrisler

One(1)van: Jared

Jaredyonce: yah?

One(1)van: We're Jewish

Jaredyonce: oooh yeah

Jaredyonce: doesn't matter, everybody knows that at this point Christmas isn't a celebration of Christ but rather a capitalist opportunity to sell you more crap

Jaredyonce: A shell of what it used to be

Jaredyonce: plus I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that Christmas isn't actually when Jesus was supposedly born and was actually Christians adapting a pagan holiday to convert said pagans or something

A llama: I think I read that article too

Conman: that's

Conman: kinda fucked up

Zozo the clown: Then when was Jesus really born???

A llama: Sometime in spring

Zozo the clown: wow

Zozo the clown: my whole life's been a lie

Jaredyonce: anyways

Jaredyonce: while Zoe has an existancial crisis or whatever who wants to go with me to check out the official holiday sales and snacks in this fine Sunday morning

Conman: sure I've got nothing better to do

One(1)van: I'll go, to stop Connor from trying out every single candy cane that's handed to him

Conman: that's fair

Zozo the clown: I'll go even though Christmas isn't what it was to me five minutes ago

Jaredyonce: that's fair

Jaredyonce: Alana wanna come too?

A llama: I can't, I have this college essay I've been meaning to do

Jaredyonce: in december?

A llama: I want to be prepared in advance so that when it's time to send my essay I can choose the best one I wrote and 

Jaredyonce: I could never

Conman: you're too lazy to ever

Jaredyonce: hey

Jaredyonce: I take offence to that

One(1)van: Why? It's the truth

Jaredyonce: Ah

Jaredyonce: Evan

Jaredyonce: the ONE person who i thought I could trust

Jaredyonce: stabbing me in the back

Conman: this is so dramatic for no purpose or reason

Jaredyonce: don't act like you don't like like my dramatic monologues

Conman: ...

Jaredyonce: your silence is enough for me to know I'm right

Jaredyonce: as always

Conman: so you say

One(1)van: 'always right'?

One(1)van: I have to laugh

Zozo the clown: WOW

Jaredyonce: I am!

One(1)van: Really?

One(1)van: Coming from the person who once ate a bathbomb because and I quote

One(1)van: "If it looks good, it tastes good."

One(1)van: then ate a bathbomb

Jaredyonce: that doesn't mean I'm not always right and incredibly smart

One(1)van: You literally tried to play it off by eating another bathbomb because, once again, and I quote "It takes the edge off the first one."

Zozo the clown: I wish I was there

Conman: pure dumbass energy

Jaredyonce: betrayal

A llama: Jared

A llama: Do we need to have a talk about proper nutrition and things not to eat

Jaredyonce: ...

Jaredyonce: no

A llama: That's what I thought

Zozo the clown: tell em babe

A llama: \\-^u^-/

Zozo the clown: cute

Jaredyonce: urgh your cute couples's shennanigans are reminding me that I'm single

Zozo the clown: Anyway...

Zozo the clown: What time should we go to the mall

Jaredyonce: today today today

One(1)van: Please don't

One(1)van: That song is annoying

Conman: near 12? So that we can go eat at the food court

Zozo the clown: Sure

One(1)van: Sounds good

Jaredyonce: what Evan said

Conman: see y'all there then

Jaredyonce: Eye 

16:43

Private message Zozo the clown to Conman

Zozo the clown: Sooo

Conman: so?

Zozo the clown: Today was fun

Conman: indeed it was

Zozo the clown: You know what would've been even more fun

Conman: what?

Zozo the clown: If Alana had been there

Zozo the clown: Listen, I know that she's my girlfriend so I should know Alana and understand how she feels

Zozo the clown: But you're also her bestfriend and as much as I hate to say it she would probably tell you first if something was bothering her

Zozo the clown: Lately she's been more busy and tired and she's been going out less than she used to

Zozo the clown: So I just wanted to know

Zozo the clown: Is she alright? Has she said anything?

Conman: she told me she's been stressing some about getting into college

Zozo the clown: Okay

Conman: shouldn't you, yaknow, talk to her about being about her instead of like coming to me

Zozo the clown: I know

Zozo the clown: It's just that sometimes I feel like she's not gonna tell me what's really bothering her so that she doesn't stress me

Conman: maybe tell her that? she can't know that you're anxious about not knowing what's stressing her without you saying it

Zozo the clown: Uurrggghh

Zozo the clown: Fine

Zozo the clown: I'll do it

Zozo the clown: Not right now though, later. She seemed stressed today so I don't think now's a good time 

Conman: okay

Conman: but you know what they say

Zozo the clown: feelings suck?

Conman: well yes 

Conman: but also communication is key

Zozo the clown: They're right

Zozo the clown: I'm just kind of a coward in the talking about my feelings department

Conman: all Murphies are

Conman: it's a heriditary curse

Zozo the clown: It sucks

Conman: I know

Conman: but like, you should still try it.

Conman: whenever me and Evan have like a mini fight we try to talk about stuff instead of just being angry and it actually works

Zozo the clown: Alright I'll try

17:12

Private message Conman to A llama

Conman: we have a problem

A llama: What?

Conman: Zoe suspects that something's going on

A llama: What why? Did you say something?

Conman: no! I didn't tell her anything

Conman: she just guessed that something was up because you couldn't hang out at the mall today

Conman: she also said you seemed stressed

A llama: I am a bit tbh

Conman: talk to her about it

A llama: But what if that stresses her

A llama: Then we'll both be stressed!

Conman: she already suspects that something is up

Conman: just talk to her, not about the scolarship contest thing but like about other stuff that's also stressing you

Conman: like I told her communication is key and right now you guys aren't talking to each other and that's not helping anything

A llama: Alright

Conman: by the way, I assume that today you weren't actually working on your college essays

A llama: Oh! no I was working on the abroad scolarship contest thing

Conman: figured

Conman: it's also a relief

A llama: Why?

Conman: well because then I don't have to feel about not starting mine yet if you, Alana Beck, notoriously known for doing things way too ahead of time, hasn't done them

A llama: Oh no sorry

A llama: I did them this summer

Conman: ...

Conman: fuck!

A llama: If it's any consolation I don't think Jared has done any yet

Conman: that does help a little

A llama: I've gotta go eat but I'll talk to you later

Conman: alright, see ya


	5. Merry Chrisler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christmas is a coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I sorta abandonned this fic but I still have like three chapters written out for it so I'll post then throughout the week for anybody that might have wanted them. I might come back to it and finish it along with any other works associated with this series that I had originally planned to do

10:03

Jaredyonce: help

Zozo the clown: Y'all hear sumn?

Jaredyonce: help me

Conman: nah I ain't hear nothin

Conman: @one(1)van babe you hear sumn?

One(1)van: There's a giant snow truck outside my window making a ruckus so loud I can barely hear myself think

One(1)van: So no

One(1)van: I don't hear nothin except that

A llama: What's wrong Jared?

Jaredyonce: Alana ur a saint

Zozo the clown: We been knew

Jaredyonce: the exam revision excercises are killing me and I think I might fail

A llama: We could do a group study session at the library

A llama: My schedule is free this afternoon so it won't be a problem

Jaredyonce: Yes!

Jaredyonce: Please!

Jaredyonce: I'm desperate!

A llama: We can meet up at around one

A llama: I'm treating my babe out for some lunch

Zozo the clown: That's me!

A llama: We can go to the library

One(1)van: Can I come? I've been anxious about the Christmas exams

Conman: Christmas exams?

One(1)van: They happen two days before Christmas

One(1)van: Ergo they're Christmas exams

Conman: tru

Jaredyonce: truwu

Conman: no

Jaredyonce: that's fair

One(1)van: I almost had a mental breakdown 

A llama: Are you alright

One(1)van: I am now but earlier I was crying uncontrollably while the chorus of all I want for Christmas played on repeat in my head

Zozo the clown: Wow that...

Zozo the clown: sucks

One(1)van: It's alright you can laugh, I did because wtf is my brain on

Conman: need me some of that brain kush

Conman: just interested

One(1)van: I don't think my brain is selling the Evan Hansen 'neurological imbalance' strain but I'll pass the word

Zozo the clown: Evan!

Zozo the clown: I thought you were innocent

One(1)van: Actually?

Zozo the clown: Yeah

One(1)van: Well I've never been innocent just too shy to actually say things so jot that down

One(1)van: Secondly I'm dating your brother which, while an amazing boyfriend, is far from innocent either

Zozo the clown: U rite

Zozo the clown: Anyway be qt the library at one

Zozo the clown: Connor you can come if you want but I know you don't actually need help because you just give the general vibe that you get bad notes even though in reality you get nineties all around but just don't want people to know

Jaredyonce: WoW

A llama: WoWiE

Jaredyonce: Exposed

One(1)van: A read

One(1)van: An accurate one at that

Conman: Why must you make me suffer as such O sister 'O mine

Zozo the clown: idk

Zozo the clown: *shrug emoji*

Conman: a shrug emoji

Jaredyonce: Maybe we're all shrug emojis

Jaredyonce: Emoji movie pt2

One(1)van: Don't, that movie was trash

Jaredyonce: but u went to see it with me?

One(1)van: You forced me to go watch it with you and then made sure I couldn't escape by trying to get a popcorn refill

Jaredyonce: I stand by what I did

Conman: not valid

Jaredyonce: wow

Jaredyonce: Connor doesn't kin me anymore

13:42

Jaredyonce: I'm boooorrreeeed

Zozo the clown: You literally asked us to be here

A llama: Also why are you texting were literally in the same room sitting at the same table

Jaredyonce: it's... the ADHD

Conman: that's valid

Jaredyonce: WoWiE

Jaredyonce: Connor kins me again

A llama: Don't steal my catchphrase it's copyrighted

Jaredyonce: but Alana doesn't kin me anymore ;-(

Jaredyonce: my life is falling apart

Conman: You realize this now?

Jaredyonce: you don't have to hit me while I'm down

Jaredyonce: don't make call

Jaredyonce:HIM

Conman: Whomst?

Jaredyonce: He He

Conman: wait

Conman: Wait No

Conman: now I know who you're talking about

Conman: don't tag him

Conman: please

Conman: I beg u

Jaredyonce: maybe if you stanned Loona this wouldn't have happened

A llama: ded

Jaredyonce has added Yall its Michael Jackson

Yall its Michael Jackson: ?

Yall its Michael Jackson: what is this?

Jaredyonce: the groupchat for the suburb girls

Yall its Michael Jackson: ooooooh

Zozo the clown: Is this Connor's stoner friend Michael?

Yall its Michael Jackson: indeed tis I

Yall its Michael Jackson: HeHe

One(1)van: Is your name from that one video?

Yall its Michael Jackson: Yes

Yall its Michael Jackson: that video is like

Yall its Michael Jackson: a defining personality trait of mine

Conman: valid

Jaredyonce: speaking of valid

Jaredyonce: I have summoned you here for a reason

Yall its Michael Jackson: Y?

Jaredyonce: Connor said it wasn't anything new that my life is falling apart

Yall its Michael Jackson: I mean

Yall its Michael Jackson: he isn't wrong

Jaredyonce: What?

Jaredyonce: I've once again been betrayed

A llama: It's nice to meet you Michael but Jared needs to study unless he wants Mrs Crockenberg to put him under mandatory tutoring again

Jaredyonce: I'm getting betrayed left and right 

A llama: You deserve it

Zozo the clown: WoWiE

Conman:same

Jaredyonce: how come Zoe gets to use your catchphrase and not me ?;-;

A llama: She's my girlfriend

Zozo the clown: duh

Yall its Michael Jackson: Go study Jared

Jaredyonce: fiiiine

00:03

Jaredyonce: wait what are we doing for Christmas?

Conman: it's three past midnight

Jaredyonce: so? the question still stands

One(1)van: Jared we've had this discussion

One(1)van: We're Jewish

Jaredyonce: Yeah but that doesn't mean we can't make something of the day of Christmas itself

One(1)van: Then I guess maybe we could all meet up at someone's house and do celebrations or something

Jaredyonce: Secret santa!!!!

Conman: that's ...

Conman: actually a good idea

One(1)van: It can wait until tomorrow, right now we all need to go to sleep because we have class tomorrow

Jaredyonce: urgh fine

8:00

Jaredyonce: NOW can we talk Christmas?

Conman: sure

Conman: why not

A llama: I scrolled up and it sounds like a good idea

Zozo the clown: Where should we do it?

Conman: probably our house since it's big and nobody's gonna come to visit for Christmas because of me

Zozo the clown: That's a good thing

Zozo the clown: I can't stand most of our extended family

Jaredyonce: Y?

Conman: it's ...

Conman: the homophobia

Jaredyonce: yikes

A llama: that sucks, I had no idea

Zozo the clown: Our parents are actually like supportive so it's cool

Zozo the clown: So how are we going to determine who gets who for the secret santa

Jaredyonce: secret satan

Jaredyonce: :O

Conman: scary

A llama: Maybe we could write names and pick in like a hat or something at school before class

One(1)van: Sounds good

Zozo the clown: See you before class I guess

10:17

Yall its Michael Jackson: Can I be in it too?

Conman: we'll see

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, I'll have the next chapter up by Saturday


End file.
